The Unasked Question: Why We're Still Struggling with Mental Health (and How to Break Free)

We live in a world where mental health awareness is at an all time high. Campaigns abound, celebrities speak out and the conversation is finally out of the shadows. Yet, paradoxically, more people than ever seem to be struggling. Why? Because despite our best intentions, we're missing a vital piece of the puzzle. We're approaching mental health from a place of blame, not curiosity and it's keeping us stuck at a surface level.

The Hidden Hand: Understanding How We Get "Here"

For too long, our understanding of mental well being has been limited. We're getting better at defining anxiety or depression but often fall short of truly grasping the intricate dance between our minds, our brains and our experiences. How do our thoughts, emotions and consciousness arise? And what happens when those complex mechanisms go awry?Beyond the biological, we must also consider the subtle, pervasive influence of societal conditioning. The relentless pursuit of perfection, the constant social comparison fuelled by digital platforms, the pressure to always be "on" – these are not minor stressors. They shape our internal worlds, creating environments ripe for distress. While no single factor causes mental illness, these societal currents can steer us towards unhelpful patterns and chronic stress.This leads us to the crucial, often unasked question that could unlock profound understanding: "How did I get to this point?" Or, more broadly, "What were the specific internal and external factors that contributed to my current state of mental ill being?"

The Great Barrier: The Fear of Our Own Part

Why don't we ask this question more often? The answer is simple, yet deeply challenging: Nobody wants to think or believe that they played a part in their own suffering.The very idea can trigger immense fear. Fear of blame, of guilt, of being seen as weak or flawed. It's easier, psychologically, to view ourselves purely as victims of external circumstances. There’s a perceived safety in believing our suffering is entirely outside our control, absolving us of personal responsibility.This brings us to a vital distinction often blurred in public discourse: victimisation versus victimhood.

• Victimisation is the genuine experience of harm, injustice or mistreatment at the hands of others or external circumstances. This is not your fault. It encompasses trauma, discrimination, abuse or systemic oppression. Acknowledging victimisation is crucial for empathy and support.
• Victimhood, however, is the internal stance or identity a person adopts in response to having been victimised. While the initial harm was not their fault, adopting a state of victimhood – characterised by a sense of powerlessness and a belief that well being depends solely on external forces – is a choice about how one chooses to proceed in the present and the future.

Why would someone choose victimhood? Rarely is it a malicious act. More often, it's an unconscious coping mechanism born from learned helplessness (a history of repeated negative experiences where efforts felt futile), the unconscious "benefits" of sympathy or avoiding daunting responsibilities, deeply ingrained negative core beliefs or simply undeveloped coping skills. These are not choices made with clear intent to suffer  but often survival strategies that become self limiting.

The True Blocker: Our Underlying Intention

Ultimately, the biggest obstacle isn't the question itself but the intention behind our approach to mental health.If our underlying, often unconscious, intention is blame—whether directed at ourselves ("I'm broken") or external factors ("The world is unfair")—then our conscious efforts to dismantle blame and shame will be critically undermined. Blame triggers defensiveness, shuts down honest inquiry and perpetuates the very shame we’re trying to eliminate. It creates a hidden curriculum where, despite being told "it's not your fault," the lack of deeper understanding leaves us feeling subtly condemned or helpless.However, if our intention shifts to genuine, compassionate curiosity, the door to healing swings open.Curiosity allows us to ask "How did I get here?" without judgement. It enables us to explore past patterns, learned responses and the interplay of internal and external factors that shaped our current state. This shifts the narrative from "What's wrong with me?" to "What happened and how can I understand and respond differently?"

The Path to True Well being: Acceptance and Responsibility

This profound shift in intention, coupled with asking "How did I get to this point?", empowers us with:

• Awareness: Recognising the "hidden hands" – the unconscious patterns and influences that shape our minds.
• Acceptance: Acknowledging the reality of our past experiences and our own contributions (without blame), embracing the full picture of how things came to be. This is not resignation but a clear eyed view of our starting point.
• Responsibility: Crucially, this is not about culpability but about response-ability – the ability to respond. If we accept our role in how we got here, even if that role was simply a lack of awareness or using maladaptive coping mechanisms, we reclaim the power to respond differently in the present and future.

This powerful combination of understanding, acceptance and responsibility is not just for recovery from existing conditions. It's the bedrock for:

• Sustainable Recovery: By addressing root causes, not just symptoms.
• Mental Health Maintenance: By identifying personal triggers and building resilient patterns.
• Prevention: Imagine teaching younger generations these principles! They could learn to cultivate self awareness, emotional literacy and responsible agency from an early age, equipping them to navigate life's challenges with greater resilience and intention.

It's time to move beyond surface level awareness. By shifting our intention from blame to curiosity, and by courageously asking "How did I get to this point?", we can unlock a deeper, more empowering and truly transformative path to mental well being for ourselves and for future generations.